Thursday, 22 April 2010

Spam albums

A good few years ago, a parishioner pointed out that the subject lines of spam emails can be used to create compelling, imaginary albums. We wondered if this still held true and this was the result:

Band: LoveFilm

Album title: Double Nectar

Track listing:

1. Your Tasty Benefits Are Served
2. How’s Tricks
3. Compliance and Control
4. Failed Message Delivery
5. Salsa on the Thames?
6. Northern Belle
7. Escape to Scotland
8. Realise All Your Dreams
9. Doors Closing Forever
10. I Found Something
11. Trade In Your Valuables
12. Drop A Stone
13. Your Problem Credit
14. Blast Your Ads
15. Let’s Be Having You
16. Your Account Status

Band: Bingo Cafe

Album title: Flight to America

1. Almost There
2. Get With It
3. Easter Weekend
4. Shopping Spree
5. Offer Extended
6. Prizes Hidden
7. Free For 30 Days
8. News Seekers
9. Unlimited Music
10. Beauty Bar
11. Lawyers and Doctors
12. Detox For Two
13. Vacation Reply
14. Lazer Eye
15. Sex Pictures

Magnus Shaw, 2010

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Malcolm McClaren RIP

The man who popularised hip-hop in the UK was a red headed white man. The fact that he also created the most incendiary and exciting band my generation will ever know is what made him one of popular culture's most remarkable figures.

Malcolm McLaren, who has died at the age of 64, was born to a war deserter and the granddaughter of a Jewish diamond dealer, the year after the Second World War ended. Raised largely by his maternal grandmother in Stoke Newington, London, he left home at 17, with his grandmother's sage advice burning in his ears: 'Being bad is good, being good is boring'.

McLaren was always a man without portfolio. He designed clothes but wasn't a fashion designer. He ran shops but was not a retailer. He made records but was no musician. If he had a job title, it would have been 'professional agitator'.

His expulsion from several art colleges laid a path of provocation and agitation that would last his entire career. Attracted by outsiders (the Parisian situationists in particular), Malcolm's shops catered, initially, to teddy boys, then glam rock transvestites, fetish gear enthusiasts and would-be punks. By the time a shy, paranoid John Lydon was introduced to two young thieves and one of his employees, he had already flirted with band management, unsuccessfully handling the latter days of the New York Dolls.

But to McLaren, rock music had nothing to do with hit singles and airplay. He regarded a band in just the same way that he regarded fabrics or shops - as tools. They all had their individual powers and they could all be manipulated to deliver an impact, to provoke thought, promote action and upset the status quo. They all had the ability to agitate.
It would be overly romantic to suggest Malcolm McLaren knew exactly how culturally inflammable the Sex Pistols would become. But he certainly saw where their enormous potential lay. It wasn't necessary for them to re-invent the rock format; it was enough that they were awkward, belligerent, angry, and sufficiently contrary to upset the business and the establishment. That Lydon (by then, Rotten) proved to be as confrontational as Malcolm, and a superb lyricist to boot, was one of those stunning coincidences one only really finds in rock music.

In fact, there is plenty of evidence that McLaren was quickly terrified by the Pistols rise to infamy and felt control rapidly slipping from his hands.

But getting what you wish for is always scary (not to mention the threat of actual violence) and it was probably at this point that he realised he could actually be a successful agitator.

The Pistols could never have lasted, and McLaren and Lydon were too alike in philosophy and character to have any longevity as partners.

After one breathtaking studio album ('Never Mind The Bollocks') they split, two short years after their birth, and for a while Malcolm lost his way, recording with Ronnie Biggs and releasing a patchwork, revisionist Pistols movie ('The Great Rock & Roll Swindle').

Had it all ended there, Malcolm's reputation as an arch art manipulator would have been assured. But before long he was closely involved in successfully resurrecting the dormant career of Adam Ant - giving him the tribal, pirate concept, before sacking him, stealing his band, and creating a new group - Bow Wow Wow! It is rarely noted that BWW anticipated the current download controversy by encouraging home taping as a means of acquiring free music. A source of agitation to the same music industry the Pistols had annoyed with some aplomb a few years before.

Malcolm McLaren had an almost supernatural ability to spot potential. In 1983 hip-hop culture (rapping, break dancing and scratching) was a niche, underground phenomenon, almost exclusively followed by black teenagers. What mainstream media overlooked, McLaren saw as clearly as he saw the anarchic appeal of punk rock. Thus inspired, he released 'Duck Rock' which opened up the sound and feel of New York's projects to a white British audience. It even spawned two top ten singles and still sounds fresh and tremendous right now.

Hip-hop exploded to become arguably the most popular music genre on the planet - it would be unfair and incorrect to credit McLaren alone for this - and Malcolm moved on.

While his later work was certainly not as significant as Sex Pistols or 'Duck Rock', it was no less intriguing. 'Fans' took the unlikely step of combining electronic pop with opera, and 'Waltz Darling' was the only album based on the Voguing craze to make any kind of creative statement.
A constant and diverse output followed, including a much loved soundtrack to a British Airways advertisement, and notably, an ambitious, flawed, but ultimately enjoyable musical movie for Channel 4 called 'The Ghosts of Oxford Street', featuring Sinead O’Connor and The Happy Mondays. More recently McLaren took to guesting on various reality TV shows (resigning from one before the cameras rolled; ever the provocateur).

Showing up in Big Brother may seem a long, long way from the 100 Club Punk Festival, but had mesothelioma not ended his life, it seems entirely likely that Malcolm McLaren would have shocked, surprised, excited and infuriated the world many times again. And that's no more than we'd expect from the world's most accomplished, professional agitator.

Magnus Shaw, 2010

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

A - Z of the Brits

A: America. Roared with laughter as a nation, at Russell Brand's 'friendly fire' gag at the 2007 event.

B: Britannia Music Club. Do join, this month's editor's pick is Stars by Simply Red on the new CD format.

C: Corden & Horne. Britain's favourite comedy duo produced a masterclass in irony last year by being completely unfunny.

D: Death Metal. Extreme Noise Terror prompted Sir George Solti to walk out of the ceremony in 1992. It's okay, he wasn't nominated.

E: Electricians. Tried to sabotage the 1987 show as part of an industrial dispute. Event powered by steam that year.

F: Fox, Samantha. Too small to read the autocue at the Bad Brits (and therefore the best). Thought Boy George was the Four Tops.

G: Gallagher, Liam. Refused to attend in 1997 because he was scared of Sporty Spice. As were we all.

H: Halliwell, Geri. Once made an appearance via a giant 'lady garden'. As did we all.

I: ITV. Don't seem to know when the show is this year ('coming soon'). Ought to check.

J: Jackson vs. Jarvis. Now look what's happened, Cocker.

K: Kids, The. It's all about them. Or their cash, at least.

L: Lennox, Annie. An act of Parliament insists she wins best British Female every year. Sometimes twice.

M: Minogue, Kylie. 'No album this year Ms.M? Why not present the thing instead? Yes, Corden and Horne will be very funny.
You will? Great!'

N: No clear winner. It happened twice - 1982 and 1987.

O: Oasis. Called Mike Hutchence a 'has-been' as he handed them a gong. Pot recently overheard insulting kettle in a similar way.

P: Preachers, Manic Street. Tenth most successful Brits act. You may be surprised to know.

Q: Queen. Former Brits host Ben Elton is now their singer.
Or something.

R: Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood. Now regrets throwing a drink over Brandon Block. Wishes he hadn't wasted a drop of that lovely, lovely boozy booze.

S: Steps. 1999 saw them claiming Belle & Sebastian had rigged the Newcomer vote. Overlooked being rotten as a factor.

T: Take That. Won two awardsin 1994, waited a bit, won another two in 2008.

U: Unbearable. That'll be Fearne Cotton's backstage feeds.

V: Venue. Has to be Earl's Court as it is one of the few halls big enough to house Bono's head every year.

W: Who, The. BBC delayed the long forgotten Nine O Clock News in 1988 in order for Pete & Rog to get their bit in.

X: Xylophone. Always Xylophone.

Y: You don't happen to have a couple of spare tickets do you? Mine haven't arrived. Postal strike I expect.

Z: Zeitgeist. They wish.

Magnus Shaw