A: America. Roared with laughter as a nation, at Russell Brand's 'friendly fire' gag at the 2007 event.
B: Britannia Music Club. Do join, this month's editor's pick is Stars by Simply Red on the new CD format.
C: Corden & Horne. Britain's favourite comedy duo produced a masterclass in irony last year by being completely unfunny.
D: Death Metal. Extreme Noise Terror prompted Sir George Solti to walk out of the ceremony in 1992. It's okay, he wasn't nominated.
E: Electricians. Tried to sabotage the 1987 show as part of an industrial dispute. Event powered by steam that year.
F: Fox, Samantha. Too small to read the autocue at the Bad Brits (and therefore the best). Thought Boy George was the Four Tops.
G: Gallagher, Liam. Refused to attend in 1997 because he was scared of Sporty Spice. As were we all.
H: Halliwell, Geri. Once made an appearance via a giant 'lady garden'. As did we all.
I: ITV. Don't seem to know when the show is this year ('coming soon'). Ought to check.
J: Jackson vs. Jarvis. Now look what's happened, Cocker.
K: Kids, The. It's all about them. Or their cash, at least.
L: Lennox, Annie. An act of Parliament insists she wins best British Female every year. Sometimes twice.
M: Minogue, Kylie. 'No album this year Ms.M? Why not present the thing instead? Yes, Corden and Horne will be very funny.
You will? Great!'
N: No clear winner. It happened twice - 1982 and 1987.
O: Oasis. Called Mike Hutchence a 'has-been' as he handed them a gong. Pot recently overheard insulting kettle in a similar way.
P: Preachers, Manic Street. Tenth most successful Brits act. You may be surprised to know.
Q: Queen. Former Brits host Ben Elton is now their singer.
Or something.
R: Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood. Now regrets throwing a drink over Brandon Block. Wishes he hadn't wasted a drop of that lovely, lovely boozy booze.
S: Steps. 1999 saw them claiming Belle & Sebastian had rigged the Newcomer vote. Overlooked being rotten as a factor.
T: Take That. Won two awardsin 1994, waited a bit, won another two in 2008.
U: Unbearable. That'll be Fearne Cotton's backstage feeds.
V: Venue. Has to be Earl's Court as it is one of the few halls big enough to house Bono's head every year.
W: Who, The. BBC delayed the long forgotten Nine O Clock News in 1988 in order for Pete & Rog to get their bit in.
X: Xylophone. Always Xylophone.
Y: You don't happen to have a couple of spare tickets do you? Mine haven't arrived. Postal strike I expect.
Z: Zeitgeist. They wish.
Magnus Shaw
