In the 1990s, when AIDS was set to engulf us all, rather than the national debt, an American called LaTour released a single called 'People Are Still Having Sex'. The song sought to remind us that despite the pleas for restraint, folk were still at it like knives. It contained the line 'Somewhere in the world / Someone is having sex right now'. I guess it was supposed to be an arousing thought, but it always made me think that 'someone' might be Nicholas Soames or Nicholas Lyndhurst and soon I was stuck with a bad image in my head.
That's the problem with songs about coitus. The more overtly explicit they are, the less sexy they become. But of course, the act of love is probably the most popular subject for popular music compositions, so there's an awful lot of awkward recordings out there.
George Michael's early solo outings were very well crafted pop songs - 'Faith', 'Careless Whisper' and such - but he suddenly came unstuck with a toe-curling effort called 'I Want Your Sex'. It's a classic example of the 'sexy song' paradox. Riddled with corny old nonsense like 'I've waited so long / Look into my eyes' - it's about as sexy as a road traffic accident. On the other hand, his 'Father Figure', which doesn't use the 'S' word once, is considerably more seductive and risque.
Oh - and if you're moved to hear another dreadful clunker in the catalogue of bad tunes with 'sex' in the title, you may want to pay a visit to 'Sex' on Paul Young's 'No Parlez' album or Color Me Badd's 'I Want To Sex You Up'. Celibacy guaranteed.
Clearly some artists have realised the provocative nature of the overt lyric and have used it to their advantage, from the unforgettable 'Je T'Aime' by Serge Gainsborg to the rather terrific Wayne County track 'If You Don't Want To F*ck Me Baby, Then Baby F*ck Off'. And let's not forget Frankie Goes To Hollywood and that chart topper.
But you'd be hard pressed (ahem) to find these tracks actually sexually exciting. So which songs, or performers actually get it right. And how do they manage to translate the most primal human drive into a musical expression of a horizontal desire, without sounding utterly daft?
Well, it's no secret that sexual tastes are as varied as the human population harbouring them. So there's no guarantee a track that sends one individual into a sweaty passion will work in the same way on the next listener. But perhaps if the best examples of genuinely erotic records have one thing in common, it's subtlety and suggestion, rather than schoolyard sniggering.
Led Zeppelin's 'Lemon Song' is a tremendous rock work out, but Planty telling us he wants his friend to squeeze him until the juice runs down his leg, is just a tad teenaged. However, the rather lovely 'Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight' by the Starland Vocal Band has surely brought more than the odd guilty smile to a listener's lips.
Similarly, 50 Cent suggesting a young lady may like to 'lick his lollipop' is beyond pathetic, but Prince telling us his squeeze wears a 'Raspberry Beret' and not much more, allows us to paint our own picture and drift off for a moment.
If one performer is associated with sexual
content more than the little purple fella, it's
Madonna. Which is interesting as, more than
anyone else, she has tried and failed to
produce erotic pop music throughout
her career. Releasing an album
named 'Erotica' only compounded
the problem and her 'Sex' book is just unbelievably horrible. She has never grasped the concept of trying too hard and its passion killing qualities.
Genuinely sexy music must avoid that pitfall at all cost. Or perhaps I should allow Leon Haywood to explain: 'Don't push it / Don't force it / Let it happen naturally'. Donna Summer's 'Love To Love You' for instance, progresses at a very natural pace - real time you might say. So the erotic appeal lies is the relaxed nature of the ... er ... performance. Madge always seems in such a rush.
That said, there is also something quite exciting about unrequited longing. Consider The Boss on 'I'm On Fire'. While the actual song is somewhat laid back, Bruce is feeling very agitated: 'I got a bad desire / Oh, oh, oh / I'm on fire'. One assumes the recipient is in little doubt as to Mr. Springsteen's message there.
And it would be wrong to depart without reference to the master of this 'yearning' genre of love song, Marvin Gaye. Although we tend to think Marvin was all silk sheets and champagne seduction, we're probably confusing him with Teddy Pendegrass. Gaye's best known lyrics are all about the pleading - 'Lets Get It On', 'Sexual Healing' - won't someone bless Marvin with a bit of relief?
There is a huge difference, of course, between finding an artist attractive and their songs arousing (There's little dispute that Sophie Ellis Bextor is a striking woman, but 'Murder On
The Dancefloor' wouldn't seem to be a particular bedroom favourite). But when the two aspects coincide, the effect is impressive.
From a male hetero perspective, I'm thinking Kylie's 'There aint a single night / When I haven't held you tight / But it's always inside my head / Never inside my bed'.
Or, for me, the sexiest lyric I can recall - Debbie Harry on 'Picture This': 'I will give you my finest hour / The one I spent, watching you shower'.
Now that really is sexy.
Magnus Shaw, May 2010
