10. Simple Minds - Kick It In
It pains us to include the once mighty Minds in this list as they have produced some wonderful singles in their time. This however is the most tuneless, empty bluster disguised as a rock song we can recall.
9. Outhere Brothers - Boom Boom Boom
Just the kind of call-and-response record that goes down really well at a party for five year olds who are all hyped up on Tizer. No use whatsoever to anyone else - unless of course the musical equivalent of a head injury is your bag. And don't leave the album running as it contains a charming track called Fuk U In Da Ass.
8. Reel 2 Real - I Like To Move It
In the mid 90s there was something of a boom in these lumpy, growly, vulgar dance records and they were all unfailingly awful (see above). This one features some berk called the Mad Stuntman rapping about girls not wearing make up. Music for the evolutionarily challenged.
7. Puff Daddy - I'll Be Missing You
The Diddy Man was so distressed by the death of his pal Biggie Smalls, that he couldn't be arsed to write a proper song about him and instead chose to cover The Police's tribute to stalking 'Every Breath You Take'. Badly. With lyrics, he must have cobbled together while waiting for a bus. Astonishingly, this won a Grammy. Jeez.
6. R. Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly
While quite admirably leaning towards the utterly bananas, even eccentricity cannot excuse Mr. Kelly's 'inspirational' ballady tribute to jumping out of windows. He thinks about it every night and day, apparently.
5. Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?
Non-threatening Canadian rock type Bry, has a go at a Spanish slush fest with a lyric so bum tighteningly mawkish it can actually induce light-headedness and projectile puking. To his credit, he never tried it again.
4. Chris Rea - Tell Me There's A Heaven
So your gruff uncle from South Shields has decided to pay an unannounced visit. Only you were out so he went to the pub and downed his bodyweight in export lager. Now he's back and trying to wake you by singing through the letterbox. Either that or it's this turgid Chris Rea record.
3. Kiss - God Gave Rock And Roll To You
If only he'd kept it out of the hands of you buggers.
2. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
People who know nothing about music hear this once and declare it to be a profound work of genius. In fact, it is an over-long, overrated, pretentious, preposterous and pathetic mish-mash of unintelligible themes, unappealing camp and fake emoting. The reason the punk wars had to happen.
1. Cliff Richard - Milennium Prayer
There's only one problem here: the entire premise for the song. Cliff seems to think, that by some cosmic co-incidence, the words of the Lord's Prayer fit neatly and precisely to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Unfortunately for him, they don't. Not in any way whatsoever. He probably noticed this when he was recording the single, but was already so taken with the idea, he managed to convince himself all was well and he'd truly uncovered a deeply spiritual relevation with which to guide us all into the 21st century. The daft twunt.
