Bad ideas for bands

1. '... have a DJ on stage with us?'

Because DJs belong in what used to be called discotheques. If you're Public Enemy there isn't a problem, but if you're a white guitar act your wheels of steel operator is going to give you a deeply unattactive whiff of desperation. Yes, Texas we mean you.

Also see: Linkin Park

2. '... get Lee Perry to produce the album?'

Because there is an arm long list of bands who put their new tunes in the hands of the legend of dub and are still in therapy. Iconic and cool he may be, but remember he set light to his own studio. On purpose.

Also see: Phil Spector (probably not available anyway)

3. '... do an acoustic tour of small venues?'

Two reasons. One: everyone will know your appeal has become so selective you can no longer be sure of selling out arenas. Or clubs. Two: All those effects pedals, mixers, pre-amps and reverb are there to disguise your mediocre musicianship which will stand out like a rotting boil once you get the folk guitars on and sit on stools.

Also see: Going busking. Only worked for The Clash.

4. ' ... do a movie soundtrack?'

Because, and please pay close attention here, THE MOVIE WILL BE RUBBISH. What's more, they'll only use a third of your song over the closing credits and you'll look like you sold out just to be part of 'Big Momma's House 4'. Think U2 and 'Batman Forever'.

Also see: Actually appearing in a movie. As above but worse.

5. '... have a guest star on the single?'

Because 'a guest star' means only one thing: Elton. Sure he's famous, sure he wrote 'Rocket Man' but he guested on a Blue single, for crying out loud. You'll just feel used and dirty.

Also see: Guesting on Elton's dreadful tripe.

6. '.... do an instrumental album?'

Are you stark staring mad? The only reason you sold a single copy of your last effort was because some young men would like to be your singer and some young women would like to, well, 'go out' with your singer. You may as well put out an album of your kettle boiling.

Also see: Acapella versions of your hits.

8. ' ... write a rock opera?'

Hur. Hur, Hur. Hur, Hur, Hur. Yes, I see 'Tommy', 'Quadrophenia', very good. But bear in mind Mr. Townsend also wrote 'Psychoderelict' and he's quite good at it. You'll end up with something that makes Jeff Wayne's 'Spartacus' sound like ... er ... Jeff Wayne's 'War of the Worlds'. and everyone will laugh at you. A lot.

Also see: Writing a real opera. (Yes, we're looking at you Mr. Waters).

9. ' ... do a streaming web gig?'

Your last tour sold like chocolate radiators, so do you really imagine your hi-tech event of events is going to attract more than four die-hard fans and a myopic bloke who thinks he's watching Dutch porn? What's more, the whole thing will look like shapeshifting aliens dancing in a hail storm and sound worse than that. One word 'buffering'.

Also see: Launching an online game featuring

the band.

10. '... do a side project?'

Oh yes. Because they're always wildly successful. Let's examine the evidence: Arcadia, The Power Station, Revenge, the second Electronic album, The New Barbarians, The Glove. Although you might get lucky and produce something as good as The Creatures. Or The Cross.

Also see: Solo albums from all band members released at the same time.

11. '... manage ourselves?'

Because almost everything in the crazy, crazy world of popular music is unpredictable, with the exception of this one fact: if you manage yourself you will be bankrupt and playing wedding receptions before you can order the water cooler and leather-look briefcase. You may just have time to tell the press how free you feel, how you're big enough to make your own decisions and how it's going to take you where you always wanted to be. And you might be right - as long as you always wanted to be the act no-one recognises on TOTP2.

Also see: Starting your own label (Maverick? Rolling Stones Records?).

12. '... release a Greatest Hits and split up?'

You might just have something there. Good thinking.

Also see: Not releasing a Greatest Hits. But still spltting up.

Magnus Shaw, 2010

Is that it? Overrated bands

1. The Killers

It's sometimes tricky to evaluate a new band in the first flush of success and we thought Hot Fuss might just have something. Then came that tosh about being human or dancer and some po-faced interviews and the game was up.

2. Radiohead

Okay, let's get controversial. For many, the very pinnacle of rock as art, for the enlightened few a pretentious dirge with some very lame lyrics and time signatures that make you want to hurt somebody.

3. Bon Jovi

Almost everyone has, at one time or another, really enjoyed hearing 'Living On A Prayer'. But how about 'Blaze Of Glory' or 'Always' (which 'always' sounds flat to the Vicar's ears)? About thirty years past their use-by date.

4. The Kooks

Knowing these hippy, dippy guitar slingers were actually put together at a theatre school should have been warning enough. Hearing their material should then have condemned them to the dumper. But no ...

5. Dire Straits

As with the Jovis, it was half decent debut single syndrome with Knopfler's lot. 'Sultans of Swing' was followed by a seemingly endless stream of tripe on twangy Stratocasters. Just try 'Twisting By The Pool' if you're unconvinced.

6. Queen

Admittedly Mercury could hold a crowd, but so could Christopher Biggins in drag and all too often the band were a pantomime Led Zeppelin with songs as dumb as an ox.

7. Fugees

Of all the thrilling moments inspired by hip-hop, it is rather depressing that poor Roberta Flack and Stylistics cover versions disrupted by shouts of 'one time' and 'in da house' are some of the most popular.

8. UB40

These fellas did manage an atmospheric and intelligent debut album, but didn't hesitate to rush headlong into album after album of corny covers and populist reggae for folks who don't like reggae.

9. Rod Stewart

You know what? 'The Killing of Georgie' is a great record. But that does not excuse 'Baby Jane', 'Rhythm of My Heart' or ... good grief ... his American Songbook nonsense. Actually says football is more important to him than music. It shows.

10. Tom Jones

The myth that Jones has an incredible voice is one of the longest running in the music biz. The truth is the silver fox has just one style and that is pub singer operating fog horn. Bad dancer to boot.

11. The Arctic Monkeys

Controversy time again. But are we actually listening to the same band as the people who adore the Yorkshire scamps. Fun in a jingly jangly way, but a bit of proportion wouldn't go amiss.

12. Genesis

So which did you prefer? The prog rock, concept album, fancy dress Gabriel years? Or the anodyne, stadium friendly, salesman pleasing Collins era? Neither? Nor us.

13. Frank Sinatra

Loathed rock and roll. Never wrote a song. Pals with murderers. Almost no range. The fact that 'A Very Good Year' is outstanding doesn't excuse Ol' Blue Eyes from the list.

14. P Diddy

As with the Fugees, it is tragic that one of hip-hop's most successful stars is one of its most untalented and uninspired. Lord knows who buys his rotten records.

15. Nickleback

Some of the acts listed here manage to present at least one song in mitigation. Not this lot. Derivative, dull, pointless and pathetic in equal measures, there is no earthly reason why anyone would need to own one of their miserable albums. And yet, they sell by the tanker load. There truly is no accounting for taste.

Magnus Shaw, 2010