Saturday, 30 October 2010

Trick or treat

Spirits and saints. Ghosts, go-betweens and ghouls. Psychics and those in need of psychiatric treatment. Here we are at their annual festival of absurdity.

Efforts to contact the rock and roll dead range from the cheap and cheerful – the Twenty Four Hour Church of Elvis, in Portland, where for 25 cents rolled into a slot machine, the spirit of Elvis will tell your fortune – to the customised tour of Graceland where you can hold hands with your fellow dreamers and attempt a psychic Q/A with the King.

Some websites will also guide you to Oregon if you want to find Jim Morrison living happily as a cowboy, and (admittedly this does stretch the imagination) as a cheerful participant on the rodeo circuit in the Pacific North West.

There’s a blog dedicated to insisting that Kurt Cobain is still with us and living in Cork, Ireland. He was significant by his absence when I flew into Cork Airport last month, but to be fair, it hadn’t entered my mind to scan the car hire office for former members of Nirvana.

This whole business about contacting the dead, whether spirits of rock and roll, or ordinary Joes like you and me – after thousands of years, and thousands of ‘mediums’ making a living out of their self promoted ability to contact those who have died – nobody, ever, in all that time, has ever produced one shred of a sliver of evidence that such contact can actually be made and verified.

It is most convenient for the ‘psychics’ and equally inconvenient for the bereaved or curious that the contact with the deceased always seems to be vague, and their messages so inconsequential. The messages from the dead never warn us not to go on that holiday to Miami in 2016 because we are going to get mugged, nor do they advise us to put all our savings on the favourite in the 3:30 at Kempton Park. The mediums report that our loved one told us to look after the cat, and do we remember someone whose first name may begin with ‘B’ or ...was it ‘D’ – or something that sounds a bit like that?

In the UK, one of the most well known of these ‘mediums’ was Doris Stokes, who died in 1987, but oddly, considering her belief in the ability of those who have died to return with messages, she seems to have been unable to make that journey herself.

James Randi, now eighty years old, has spent much of his life debunking the work of psychics. He has written several books (including one dedicated solely to a ‘how he does it’ exposé of Uri Geller) and appears frequently on television where he demonstrates how it is possible to dupe an (perhaps willingly gullible) audience. Here he is in a short clip, explaining how Doris Stokes used cold readings to steer her ‘victims’.






Since 1968, Randi has offered a cash prize (now standing at a million dollars) to anyone who could actually provide positive proof of the paranormal.
One astrologer was so certain of his powers that he appeared on “Exploring Psychic Powers Live!” on American television in an attempt to win the million dollars. He said that after talking to people for a few minutes, he could ascertain their astrological sign. In the test, it was agreed that the astrologer needed to get ten out of twelve correct to win. In fact, he got none correct. The million pounds is still available through Randi’s Educational Foundation.

So, Happy Halloween and all that. Keep the curtains closed and lock away the broomsticks. There’s a guy works down the chips shop swears he’s Elvis. There’s also a photo doing the rounds on the internet purportedly showing Elvis appearing amongst the plants overhanging a balcony in New Orleans (left).

If you want to win James Randi’s million bucks – now’s your chance!


Terence Dackombe, October 2010


No fear!

We're easily scared. From tom cats screaming in the night, to a bath robe hanging at a funny angle, it doesn't take much to get us diving for the duvet. But it does take more than this lot ...

10. The Creature from the Black Lagoon

To be fair, the movie is an enjoyable 50s horror romp in monochrome - they even had a stab at a 3D edition. But the creature (read: Olympic swimmer in rubber goldfish outfit) causes less terror than Pingu.

9. Godzilla

Take your pick. You can go for the innocently charming, bloke in a rubber newt suit, Japanese original. Or you can have the terribly boring CGI Hollywood version with Matthew Broderick and a hopeless script. You'll sleep well either way.

8. Leprechaun

You see, the clue's in the name. Monsters are supposed to be huge, slathering beasties ripping up the landscape and munching villagers. Not little Irish fellows who might be overcome simply by erecting a waist high fence. They made six movies out of this nonsense.

7. Klingons

Do this: interlace your fingers and cup your hands. Place your palms on your forehead. Look in the mirror and make a miserable face. Scared? Thought not.

6. The Blob

Inevitably, this chap sprang from a crashed meteor in the desert near a small American town. Surprisingly, when it entered the local high street it had teenagers running for their lives, despite looking like a strawberry and wheatgrass smoothie. Even Steve McQueen was fooled.

7. The Signs Aliens

If you have seen M. Night Shyamalan's 'Signs' you may recall being utterly confused by the very muddled plot and Mel Gibson playing the priest he always wanted to be. But you'll probably struggle to recall the aliens. That's because they were not scary and so rubbish they can't get through a wooden door.

6. Vampire Weekend

Toothsome bloodsuckers come in many shapes and forms, from the bald ghoul of 'Nosferatu' to the angst ridden teens of 'Twilight'. Buttoned down preppy guys playing music that's a bit like the Bhundu Boys is a new one. Not even remotely frightening.

5. The shark in Jaws

First things first. The shark isn't and never has been called 'Jaws'. That's the name of the movie. And a very fine and genuinely frightening film it is too. Until ... you see the flipping fish. Budgets and primitive technologies ensure the thrill factor drops rapidly as soon as the rubbery creature rears its silly head. By the time it's gnawing on Robert Shaw you can actually see its plastic 'jaws' bending.

4. The Thing From Another World

John Carpenter's outstanding sci-fi, arctic horror 'The Thing' was actually inspired by this black and white B-movie from 1951. But while Carpenter's shape shifting nightmare pins you to your chair, the fella with the Tefal forehead and crab claws in the original is rather less scary than a grumpy Richard Hammond.

3. The Martians from War of the Worlds

HG Wells describes the creatures inside the iron hoods as glistening like wet leather with luminous disc like eyes. When the story was first brought to the screen (and relocated from London to LA) they had somehow become rather sad looking guys with faces in their chests. Not quite what Mr. Wells had in mind one imagines.

2. The Robot Monster

The title gave the costume and make-up department so much scope to stretch their talents and terrify us into a state of long term trauma. But they must have been down the boozer beacuse we ended up with a gorilla in a deep sea diver's helmet. Bravo! (see above)

1. The musical Phantom of the Opera

Dear God! Deformed beyond recognition and exiled to the steaming tunnels beneath Paris. Driven by a bitterly warped mind to kidnap, murder and revenge. Embodying evil in a ... hang on, didn't you used to be Frank Spencer?

Magnus Shaw, October 2010



The Albert Call

I was strolling along a shaded cobblestone street in the old quarter of Nice, ambling gently past artists’ ateliers and sleepy artisan boutiques up towards the Parc du Chateau when I was stopped in my tracks by a sublime sound coming from a street corner.

On looking back I could just about make out a rangy figure, dressed in black and perched on a low stool, playing a plaintive French ballad on an amplified Spanish classical guitar. The voice was strong and honest, the song poignant and haunting.

I was intrigued. I turned and walked back to see what was going on. The lone figure finished his song, and was surrounded by no one except two bearded American hikers, who were clearly boring him and whoever else that didn’t care to listen with the usual tedious counterculture schtick about the pointlessness of gigging, and how it’s all about the money these days, man.

I ignored them. At the front of the chanteur’s guitar case sat a neat row of white covered CDs. He swept straight black hair from his brow, shielded his eyes from the sun and greeted me, with a smile, in French. I thought I’d try some English: “I’ve just been listening, you sound really lovely. How much are these?” “Thanks a million! They’re 15 euros”, came the reply in a soft Galway accent.

How wonderful: an Irish troubadour filling the streets of the Riviera with song. His name is Albert Niland, and during our chat he revealed: “I’m travelling through France, and I’ve been trying to learn Italian for the last three months, but not doing very well so far! I’m on the slow boat to Tuscany.”

I purchased a CD, and it’s every bit as good as I expected. I am recommending him to you now as a result of one of those finds that not only bring great new music into one’s life, but the magic of a moment, of inspirational synchronicity.

Over the last year or so I had become tired of searching for new sounds. I thought I’d lost the music, but worse still, I genuinely feared I’d lost the muse. I worried that I was becoming yet another jaded oldie, descending into cynicism, feeling that so much of what is produced today sounds the same. (The problem is, having lived through the excitement and energy of the original post-punk, new wave era, the more bands I hear on TV and radio during the present day, the less I can seem to find anything to really counter that argument.)

However, I’m delighted to report that it’s chance discoveries like Niland that keep me hanging on to something which has been a lifeblood since I first expressed a wish as a toddler to learn guitar. Where that desire came from, I have absolutely no idea. What I did was to pick up a tiny Spanish acoustic at the age of seven, and never look back.

I truly admire people with creative vision who follow their passion to produce something beautiful and timeless for everyone to share and enjoy. The world would be so much greyer without them, and we should be happy – and grateful – that they’re here.


Lisa Cordaro, October 2010


You can see Albert Niland performing here: