10. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
To be fair, the movie is an enjoyable 50s horror romp in monochrome - they even had a stab at a 3D edition. But the creature (read: Olympic swimmer in rubber goldfish outfit) causes less terror than Pingu.
9. Godzilla
Take your pick. You can go for the innocently charming, bloke in a rubber newt suit, Japanese original. Or you can have the terribly boring CGI Hollywood version with Matthew Broderick and a hopeless script. You'll sleep well either way.
8. Leprechaun
You see, the clue's in the name. Monsters are supposed to be huge, slathering beasties ripping up the landscape and munching villagers. Not little Irish fellows who might be overcome simply by erecting a waist high fence. They made six movies out of this nonsense.
7. Klingons
Do this: interlace your fingers and cup your hands. Place your palms on your forehead. Look in the mirror and make a miserable face. Scared? Thought not.
6. The Blob
Inevitably, this chap sprang from a crashed meteor in the desert near a small American town. Surprisingly, when it entered the local high street it had teenagers running for their lives, despite looking like a strawberry and wheatgrass smoothie. Even Steve McQueen was fooled.
7. The Signs Aliens
If you have seen M. Night Shyamalan's 'Signs' you may recall being utterly confused by the very muddled plot and Mel Gibson playing the priest he always wanted to be. But you'll probably struggle to recall the aliens. That's because they were not scary and so rubbish they can't get through a wooden door.
6. Vampire Weekend
Toothsome bloodsuckers come in many shapes and forms, from the bald ghoul of 'Nosferatu' to the angst ridden teens of 'Twilight'. Buttoned down preppy guys playing music that's a bit like the Bhundu Boys is a new one. Not even remotely frightening.
5. The shark in Jaws
First things first. The shark isn't and never has been called 'Jaws'. That's the name of the movie. And a very fine and genuinely frightening film it is too. Until ... you see the flipping fish. Budgets and primitive technologies ensure the thrill factor drops rapidly as soon as the rubbery creature rears its silly head. By the time it's gnawing on Robert Shaw you can actually see its plastic 'jaws' bending.
4. The Thing From Another World
John Carpenter's outstanding sci-fi, arctic horror 'The Thing' was actually inspired by this black and white B-movie from 1951. But while Carpenter's shape shifting nightmare pins you to your chair, the fella with the Tefal forehead and crab claws in the original is rather less scary than a grumpy Richard Hammond.
3. The Martians from War of the Worlds
HG Wells describes the creatures inside the iron hoods as glistening like wet leather with luminous disc like eyes. When the story was first brought to the screen (and relocated from London to LA) they had somehow become rather sad looking guys with faces in their chests. Not quite what Mr. Wells had in mind one imagines.
2. The Robot Monster
The title gave the costume and make-up department so much scope to stretch their talents and terrify us into a state of long term trauma. But they must have been down the boozer beacuse we ended up with a gorilla in a deep sea diver's helmet. Bravo! (see above)
1. The musical Phantom of the Opera
Dear God! Deformed beyond recognition and exiled to the steaming tunnels beneath Paris. Driven by a bitterly warped mind to kidnap, murder and revenge. Embodying evil in a ... hang on, didn't you used to be Frank Spencer?
Magnus Shaw, October 2010
