Band Aid. Yep, that was great. Taking the sting out of the decade of greed and pointing everybody's surplus cash in the direction of famine struck Africa. It seemed like a brave new era for recording artists and we felt we could all change the planet.
What we missed (or ignored) at the time was the law of diminishing returns. Inspired by this rush of altruism, anyone with access to a cheap Les Paul copy set about 'making the world a better place'. Nice of them, but ...
Voices That Care
Quite apart from the terrible, terrible title, this song was on dubious territory as its intention was to boost the morale of U.S. troops in Operation Desert Storm.
Of course the Americans are far less cynical about this sort of thing and Steven Seagal, Celine Dion, Luther Vandross, Gary Busey, Harry Hamlin (who?), Kenny G, Don King (!), Fred Savage, Magic Johnson, Chevy Chase, Mike Tyson (!!) and Jean-Claude Van Damme all sang along with gusto.
Strong stomach required.
The Gift of Christmas
In 1995 Esther Rantzen had a bright idea to raise funds for the (admittedly admirable) Childline. Unfortunately the plan was to assemble the world's worst supergroup. Hence East 17, MN8, Peter Andre, West End, the Flood, Sean Maguire, Ultimate Kaos, The Nightcrawlers, Dannii Minogue, Boyzone and Michelle Gayle all piled into the studio and we volunteered to pay whatever it would take to stop them.
Come Outside
Why on earth does the unwatchable Children In Need bash also feel the need to release records? Okay, I know, it's to raise more money. But is it ever justifiable to inflict this level of misery on the populace?
In 1991, Bruno Brookes teamed up with Liz Kershaw, Samantha Fox and Frank Bruno to cover a record which wasn't at all funny in the first place. If you can't recall it, it's because you had the memory erased in therapy in 1992.
The Stonk
Comic Relief is the least funny programme on TV in any given year. 1991 was no exception as Hale & Pace (RIP) and (God help her) Victoria Wood took a juvenile word and created a record so unfunny, the government had to import emergency supplies of humour from Germany to restore order.
Let's All Chant
Unless you lived in London, Pat Sharp (owner of the world's stupidest hair ever) and Mick Brown may have been strangers to you. They were off of Capital Radio and in 1988 they released this atrocity in aid of Help A London Child. Provincial kids could sod off, obviously.
Love Can Build A Bridge
If memory serves, this was an attempt to do a proper record to promote Comic Relief (still unfunny in 1995). To be honest, they may as well have invited Hale & Pace back as the sight of Cher, Neneh Cherry and Chrissie Hynde crooning in monochrome while Clapton pissed about on his guitar and African children starved was buttock-clenchingly awful. Still is.
The Floral Dance (Jungle Mix)
A word about the 'nation's uncle' Sir Terry W. He has been known to charge the BBC for anchoring Children In Need. Just thought you should know.
Not only that, but in 1995 he saw fit to take that brass band effort, which he is so keen to re-release at any given moment, add a load of electro crap and hope it would sell enough to help all the poorly kiddies. It failed to chart. Nice one, Tel.
Ferry Aid
Not that the intention wasn't good. The appalling 1987 Herald of Free Enterprise disaster scared and shocked all who saw it. It's more that this was the tipping point. The moment when any tragedy would result in a studio full of musicians (and Phil Collins) and yet another record with 'Aid' in its title. The music just got worse, the reaction more laboured and the whole charity record 'movement' more glib and trite with every project.
Spirit Of The Forest
I sometimes think I imagined this one, as no-one else can recall a moment of it. But I didn't. This was the one which brought the whole empathy fest to a screeching halt. The song was simply unlistenable, the cause a bit vague (rainforests in general, I think) and the line up just didn't seem that bothered. Olivia Newton John was involved, as was Debbie Harry. It was strongly rumoured to have sold less than 200 copies and lost money.
