Dum-di-dum-di-dum-di-dum-di. Sigh. Them were the days. You knew where you were with the John Peel theme music. Hairy Cornflakes, afternoon boy posses and bits in the middle had all finished for the day. David 'Kid' Jensen had warmed you up with a session from The Jags and now it was time for two hours programmed just for you by Peely himself. Maybe he'd even read out your letter in praise of Crispy Ambulance.
Well, that was then and this is now. Your obsession with all things rockular is still intact (just a little less seemly) but you just can't face music radio any longer. Which is ironic because there are about a thousand more stations these days and they're all broadcasting in crispy, crisp digital. But when you tune in (if indeed you do tune a DAB) and the second half of 'The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight' comes burbling out, your heart sinks. And what do you do? Huh? That's right, you tune away to Radio 4, or 5Live or even Radio 7.
So what in Stipe's name is going on here? You're loving the music, the radio is playing the music, so why don't you listen to the music radio? I'm not a doctor, but I'm offering a dual diagnosis. Control and contemplation. No clearer? Let me explain.
The genuine music fan has been very fortunate in the last decade. The i-pod, i-tunes, Spotify - all gift wrapped and ready to be loaded with old Slaughter and the Dogs albums and rare Isley Brothers b-sides. Almost any tune you desire is sitting on a searchable server somewhere, simply waiting for you to invite it into your bijou home and modern life. The thrill of some jock on a pop station spinning your favourite platter may have been sweet but, like getting excited by the underwear section in the Freeman's catalogue, it's a joy confined to the distant past - and it 'aint coming back. You want to hear some Throwing Muses? They're right there on your laptop. Some Thelonius Monk? Bingo - your 'late night jazz' playlist online. There isn't a DJ on the planet able to keep up with your wandering tastes. You have the control now, so when it comes to music, the wireless is as much use as a cheese motorcycle.
Which only leaves the talking bits between the tunes to stimulate your massive intelect. Now, this isn't completely unlikely - unless you listen to 'local' radio. Radcliffe and Maconie aren't idiots by any means - and you quite enjoy some of the nice folk beThese are the talk stations - and we're really talking about soothing Radio 4 and its more adrenalised cousin 5Live. They are far from perfect, of course. But you struggle to remember when you last heard a compelling play on Ken Bruce's show or an interview with Werner Hertzog on Dale's Pick of the Pops.
Sure, you're glad Dermot has Amy MacDonald in this weekend, but it clashes with a report on the SETI project and they're re-running On The Hour on BBC7. And, gosh darnit, you have a rapier like mind and it needs stimulating. What's more Amy's entire collected recordings are sitting like MP3 flavoured sweeties on more devices than you really have any need for.
It's okay. Your anxiety is needless. Relax. Music radio will get along just fine without you. There are thousands of punters out there who are genuinely happy for Steve Wright's producer to select their afternoon entertainment. Their hackles are in no way elevated when their radio set spews Simply Red's 'New Flame', because they're quite normal and for them, music is just a background ambience. For you, however, music is your mistress with a hotline to your heart and you just can't bear the experience of a media graduate taking responsibility for your listening pleasure. So radio is now a source of comment, opinion, current affairs, humour and news.
It just no longer cuts it as a music machine.
Magnus Shaw 2010
